What I realized about automobiles watching all 8 Fast & Furious motion pictures in four days


Enlarge / LOOKS LIKE THEM DUKE BOYS ARE AT IT AGAIN

As of final week, I had by no means seen any motion pictures within the Fast & Furious franchise. I most likely missed the primary one in 2001 as a result of I used to be planning my wedding ceremony or one thing else equally pedestrian. Then, earlier than I knew it, there have been seven extra, and I had no likelihood of catching up.

But now the franchise has lasted longer than any of our president’s marriages and has simply birthed its first spin-off function. So I’ve taken it upon myself to shotgun all eight motion pictures in 4 days and report again to you what they’ve taught me about automobiles.

For the uninitiated, F&F roughly follows the car-crashing bromance of two shredded dude-bros performed by Paul Walker and Vin Diesel. The former is a cop-turned-crook-turned-cop-turned-vigilante undercover agent. The latter is a street-racing criminal who finally—properly, look, there is not actually a job description for what these guys find yourself doing by the top of the collection. When not racing or knocking heads, their relationship consists of Diesel meting out blue-collar knowledge in a monotone whereas Paul Walker stares adoringly.

In order to actually perceive their relationship, I’ve ordered the films under by following the collection’ inner chronology. Yes, this differs from the discharge dates. Just as a result of these motion pictures go actual quick does not imply they all the time transfer in a straight line.

Car vs. automobile: The Fast and the Furious (2001, dir. Rob Cohen)

The single-minded devotion of the primary two movies to their meathead aesthetic is astounding. Every automobile gleams. Every man spends as a lot time on the health club as the ladies spend waxing. The world is bereft of physique fats or ugly folks. The solely sentences that do not finish with “bro” finish with “man” or “dude.” Everything is “by Christian Audigier.” (Not simply the garments; probably the dialogue, too.) One of Vin Diesel’s jacked homeys wears two tank tops on the similar time. Hip-hop and jock jams blast regularly from each orifice.

The Fast and the Furious is tightly paced and plotted, which is to be anticipated for what is basically a remake of Point Break. Just substitute the automobiles with surfboards and Vin Diesel with Houston’s personal Patrick Swayze (did I ever inform you I went to junior excessive together with his cousin?).

Stand-out automobiles

Sure, Vin Diesel makes use of a 1993 Honda Civic EJ1 for his heists, however that is not the place his coronary heart is. He’s all about household and group—which suggests American muscle automobiles just like the 1970 Dodge Charger R/T his father left him. It’s no shock that Walker’s undercover cop is so drawn to VD: the cop has no previous, no roots, and no relationships. As such, Walker prefers international automobiles, together with a 1995 Mitsubishi Eclipse RS that will get machine-gunned by gangsters and a 1995 Toyota Supra Mk.IV JZA80 that he provides to Vin Diesel as part of a beforehand established bro-code that I will not spoil for you (spoiler: it is extremely bro-y). The dichotomy offered within the film is true for all cultures throughout all time: can we stick to our traditions, irrespective of how ungainly, or can we turn out to be extra adaptive, agile, and gas environment friendly? Dude, heavy.

What I realized about automobiles: Going quick will flip your journey into a lightweight cycle from TRON.

The scorching rods in The Fast and the Furious are tricked out with tanks of magic juice—like, liquid Schwartz or one thing. The juice makes them go so quick that the world will get all blurry. Maybe it is cough syrup? Whatever the stuff is, I’ll see if I can choose some up later at AutoZone for my 2001 Corolla.

Car vs. boat: 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003, dir. John Singleton)

And now we come to 2 Fast 2 Furious, probably the most ridiculous (and due to this fact finest) title for a sequel. It joins Electric Boogaloo as a punchline for all potential sequels from now till the warmth demise of the universe. Possible examples embrace 2 Call 2 Name, 2 Temptation 2 Christ, and The Passion of Joan of Arc: Tokyo Drift.

The plotting in 2 Fast is not as tight, however that is additionally probably the most whimsical of the collection. It must be—it is referred to as 2 Fast 2 Furious. The trash-talking chemistry between Walker and singer-turned-actor Tyrese is a delight, and Tyrese’s information of various methods to say “bro” (“brah, “breh,” and so on.) is encyclopedic. When Walker and his previous frenemy Tyrese reunite for the primary time, director John Singleton (Boyz n the Hood) shoots their graceless scuffle in a Buster Keaton-esque longshot whereas an FBI man has a snack. They finally comply with go undercover for the Bureau in alternate for having their felony data cleared. Remember that phrase “felony data cleared,” since you’ll solely hear it 1,584,925 extra occasions within the subsequent 13 hours.

Stand-out automobiles

Even as Walker reluctantly hints at his previous, he nonetheless prefers slick, modernist automobiles from far-off locations. That contains the 1999 Nissan Skyline GT-R R34 he drives to feed his racing habit and the 2002 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VII that he makes use of on behalf of the FBI. Being his good friend from Way Back, Tyrese additionally goes Japanese, though he prefers a 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder GTS convertible in “look-at-me!!!” purple. And when the time comes for “the Dukes of Hazzard shit” stunt Walker pulls on the finish, he drives a 1969 Yenko Camaro SYC, maybe in tribute to Vin Diesel.

What I realized about automobiles: Yelling makes you go sooner.

No, yelling at the automobile would not make it go sooner. That could be ludicrous. (Though that will be becoming, since Ludacris co-stars.) I imply yelling when you’re driving. Despite being in several automobiles and infrequently miles aside, Walker and Tyrese cannot cease shouting smack at one another. It’s fantastic.

Car vs. mountain: Fast & Furious (2009, dir. Justin Lin)

When Paul Walker confirmed up for his henchman audition in 2 Fast 2 Furious, he wore shorts and a West Coast Choppers T-shirt. But after we first see him in Fast & Furious, he is sporting—groan—a swimsuit. WTF? Does eradicating all of the particular articles within the film’s title grant immediate sophistication?

Turns out Fast & Furious was supposed as a “soft reboot.” Parts one, 2 Fast, and three are all about street-racing and cranking the bro-speak dial to 11 (we’re skipping half three for now, stick with me). Meanwhile, characters nonetheless sometimes should pay for issues. But with Fast & Furious, the franchise shifts to multimillion-dollar heists across the globe, whereas Our Heroes can seemingly pluck automobiles, weapons, and computer systems from the closest tree.

In Fast & Furious, Walker (who skipped Tokyo Drift) reunites with Diesel (who skipped components two and three) and helps him search vengeance for VD’s murdered love curiosity. That function is performed by Michelle Rodriguez and—spoiler alert!—she has one of many least-convincing off-screen deaths in cinema historical past. Drug sellers, FBI guys, and vehicular mayhem ensue. And Ludacris has gone from being a neighborhood mechanic to a world-class hacker. (I assume Luda’s character runs mv bitch repeatedly.)

Stand-out automobiles

The indistinguishable American ’70s and ’80s muscle automobiles that Vin Diesel drives in Fast & Furious may be finest described as “GRRRR MANHOOD!!!” Paul Walker has the 2002 model of his beloved Nissan Skyline GT-R in addition to a 2009 Subaru Impreza WRX STi GH.

What I realized about automobiles: Sometimes you don’t have time to roll down a window.

Despite tricking out his dad’s 1970 Dodge Charger (after which tricking it out once more after it will get wrecked), Vin Diesel by no means installs energy home windows. Either they slipped his thoughts or blah-blah-blah “staying true to your roots.” So when he urgently wants the driver-side window down throughout a automobile chase, he places his elbow by it. His arm is okay. Meanwhile, I bumped my foot on my AC adaptor whereas typing this and now I’m bleeding.

(BTW, are you able to image anybody calling him “Vin” or “Mr. Diesel”? I think about he is all the time “Vin Diesel” to everybody on a regular basis, the best way nobody ever mentioned “John” or “Mr. Wayne.”)

Car vs. prepare: Fast Five (2011; dir. Justin Lin)

Maybe my mind was turning to car-crash mush by this level within the marathon, however Fast Five left me dizzy within the backseat with its bonkers plot. Vin Diesel has collected sufficient sidekicks to fill an NBA beginning lineup. The film has as many plot factors as The Dark Knight or Heat, and it has extra heists than these motion pictures mixed (I do know evaluating Fast Five to Heat is unfair as a result of evaluating something to Heat is unfair). Also, I feel somebody will get pregnant, however I can not make sure.

Remember in 2 Fast 2 Furious when Our Guys spend a stable 30 seconds saying “ouch!” after they’ve simply crashed their automobile right into a yacht? I can not think about Fast Five taking the time for such an amazing throwaway bit.

Maybe decrying a film with “fast” within the title for being too quick makes me a philistine. Sue me. At least Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson lastly makes his F&F franchise debut. I do not forget that half. I like The Rock.

Stand-out automobiles

PW and VD levitate their approach out of a 1963 Chevrolet Corvette Grand Sport after driving off a cliff (rad). Then there’s the 2010 Dodge Charger SRT-Eight LX: given a great chain and a heavy object, two of those can apparently stage a metropolis.

What I realized about automobiles: Regular automobiles work high-quality for off-roading.

So you got a Jeep or a dune buggy or a pickup with large tires to do some off-road driving? You chump. Turns out your common muscle-car or Hyundai Elantra can tear-ass throughout the desert at full pace with out getting a scratch. Go get your dumb a reimbursement.

Car vs. tank: Fast & Furious 6 (2013; dir. Justin Lin)

Heavily customized Formula 1. It reminds me of a platypus.
Enlarge / Heavily custom-made Formula 1. It jogs my memory of a platypus.

To the shock of completely nobody who has ever seen a film or turned on a tv, Michelle Rodriguez did not actually die in Fast & Furious. Turns out she simply had amnesia.

Coincidentally, so do I. The plot conceit right here, about her work for a globetrotting villain, is likely to be refined and nuanced. I did not actually digest it. Maybe I used to be too busy imagining the entire yell-to-drive-faster factor figuring out for my subsequent drive to HEB.

Stand-out automobiles

I went Googling for more information on the automobiles of Fast & Furious 6, and I ended up at Maxim. Because in fact. The web site describes the villain’s cuckoo-bananas getaway automobile thusly:

Essentially a Formula 1-type chassis with a big metallic plate the place the windshield must be, it permits the motive force to each outrun their pursuers in addition to destroy anybody quick, and silly, sufficient to maintain tempo. You even have to like the sound of that sequential gearbox revving to the restrict.

What I realized about automobiles: What a single automobile can’t accomplish, many automobiles working collectively can get carried out.

Just as we as soon as fantasized about filling a storage flooring to ceiling with Apple IIs to achieve the facility of a single Pentium, F&F6 reveals that, with sufficient sports activities automobiles working collectively, you possibly can take down a tank or a jumbo jet.

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