Ask Scary Mommy is Scary Mommy’s recommendation column, the place our group of “experts” solutions all of the questions you will have about life, love, physique picture, buddies, parenting, and anything that’s complicated you.
This week: What do you do when your partner feels they’ve a Get Out Of Parenting Free card just because they work extra hours than you? Email [email protected]
Dear Scary Mommy,
I work a part-time job from residence (pandemic or not, I’m all the time working from residence) and my husband has a typical workplace job that he has now been doing from residence since March. His job is fairly intense, and he works a full day daily. My job requires focus and I can’t slack off whereas doing it, however I work half as many hours as he does. He thinks that when our children (ages 4 and two) have a necessity all through the day (so, one million occasions) that I’m the one who has to satisfy it, no query. His argument is that I work much less hours, and I’m the one who’s residence on a regular basis anyway so “nothing has changed.” While this stuff are true, it’s form of bizarre that he simply refuses to acknowledge a crying baby or a hungry baby (his “office” is in our den so he has little or no privateness from them) as a result of he’s working. When I work, I’ve to work and meet their wants with little to no intervention from him. Am I flawed to assume he must step it up? I do know he received’t be working from residence ceaselessly and it’ll all return to “normal” sooner or later, nevertheless it’s pissing me TF off.
I genuinely can’t inform you what number of occasions I’ve heard girls describe this very same frustration over the last 10 months. So please know you’re not alone. But additionally, please know nothing about your husband’s perspective or outlook is suitable.
While this 12 months has thrown many people for a loop in the case of balancing working from residence and parenting and education, one factor it didn’t do is absolve anybody from accountability. If something, it’s slammed us all with a big quantity of extra stressors. So why your husband thinks it’s okay to behave like he’s the one one being inconvenienced right here is value exploring.
I don’t care if he works 12 hours a day. I don’t care if he’s curing most cancers out of your den. I don’t care for those who work 13 minutes a day. He’s the opposite dad or mum, he selected to be a dad or mum, and no matter whether or not the youngsters are round or not, he’s a dad or mum. He doesn’t simply get to take off the Dad Hat the second he opens his laptop computer. When he’s away on the workplace and may’t immediately soothe his crying baby, he can’t be faulted for that. But when he’s at residence, proper in his youngsters’ faces, listening to them categorical their wants and he’s not like, actively in the course of saving somebody’s life (or, extra realistically, in the course of a bullshit assembly that might have been an e mail however he can’t get out of it), then he ought to have the ability and keen to place a fast pin in no matter he’s in the course of to be “Dad” and never simply “Cog in the Corporate Machine.”
We’re all doing it. We’re all attempting our greatest. Some employers are being very cheap about this, what with there being a lethal pandemic, childcare disaster, financial catastrophe, and psychological well being disaster all occurring concurrently and all. And some employers assume that all the things ought to be operating “business as usual,” as a result of, effectively, American capitalism is a particular model of abuse. If that is a part of your husband’s subject, that sucks. It actually does. That’s patriarchy for you — he’s a male worker so nobody probably considers the truth that he’s accountable for parenting his personal kids in the course of the workday.
But he is aware of he’s accountable for parenting his personal kids in the course of the workday. And he must do exactly that whereas he’s working from residence.