It was May 10, 2020. I bear in mind standing within the yard with my son and my two nephews. We had been taking selfies to commemorate this big day. Suddenly, my eyes welled up with tears. I assumed, “Please God, don’t let this be my last Mother’s Day.”
A number of weeks earlier than, I discovered a lump in my breast. I knew it didn’t really feel proper, which is why I didn’t wish to see my physician earlier than Mother’s Day. So as a substitute, I scheduled the appointment 4 days after, on May 14th. Something within me knew it was going to result in unhealthy information, and I couldn’t deliver myself to face that information earlier than I had this final, blissful second.
Unfortunately, I used to be proper. My life was endlessly modified once I noticed the nurse practitioner’s face change once I guided her hand to the lump. She didn’t need to say a phrase. We each knew it didn’t look good.
Less than every week later, my worst nightmare was confirmed throughout a mammogram and ultrasound. Only, it was worse than I’d imagined. The breast most cancers was in each breasts, and it had already unfold to my lymph nodes. I used to be at stage three.
After the radiologist coldly instructed me the information, I needed to go face my candy son, Ayden. I’ve tears falling down my face simply writing about it. It was one of many worst moments of my life.
I didn’t need to say a phrase to him. I checked out Ayden and he intuitively knew simply by wanting on the expression on my face. He began screaming, “No! No! No, no! No, mom!” He then curled up into the fetal place and commenced rocking in ache. I positioned my arms round him and we each cried till there weren’t any tears remaining.
Ayden was already going through the scary actuality of the pandemic. He’d been remoted away from his family and friends for 2 months at that time. Now, at simply 13 years outdated, he was additionally coping with his mother having most cancers. It was an excessive amount of for anybody to need to endure, not to mention a baby.
That was practically a yr in the past and truthfully, I’m glad I didn’t know then all of the troublesome issues I might undergo over the subsequent yr. It’s a hell I wouldn’t want on anybody. The ache is unimaginable. On each degree. Physical, emotional, psychological, non secular. All this whereas being a solo mother.
The most troublesome factor about this occurring in the course of the pandemic was that we couldn’t have the folks in our lives bodily out there to assist us. It was far too dangerous for me to have anybody round me whereas I used to be sick. I even ended up within the emergency room final November, combating for my life, with a white cell blood depend of 400. The regular vary is between 4,500 to 11,000.
I used to be hospitalized for a number of days, and due to COVID, my son wasn’t allowed to go to me. I don’t even wish to take into consideration what he went by. Those moments are endlessly carved inside him. They modified who he’s. They modified the best way he sees the world. This previous yr has not been a simple combat.
Fortunately, my mother lives with us. I used to be so extremely blessed that my mother was in a position to step in and assist us. She made Ayden meals once I was too sick to even see or odor meals. I don’t understand how we might’ve made it by this with out her. I notice how lucky I’m. I won’t have a companion by my facet, however I’ve family and friends who greater than make up for it.
After my double mastectomy, my mother modified the bandages on my chest once I was unable to have a look at myself within the mirror. I used to be completely traumatized to lose my measurement D breasts. When I wakened from surgical procedure and so they had been gone, I bear in mind screaming. It was a guttural, heartbreaking scream. “My breasts are gone! My body! My body’s destroyed! Oh my God!!!”
I stored screaming time and again, till they injected me with fentanyl, inflicting me to lose consciousness. Before I totally went out, I observed that the feminine medical assistant standing to the suitable of me was wiping a tear from her face. It was a second I by no means need any girl to ever expertise.
Then, got here my hair loss. In the start, I attempted to put on hats to guard my son from how sick I regarded, however I couldn’t deal with how scorching they made me really feel. You see, my sort of breast most cancers was brought on by extra estrogen. My physique was producing far an excessive amount of of it. That meant I needed to have my ovaries eliminated to stop the estrogen build-up. That meant that on high of chemo, I used to be going by early menopause.
Eventually, I needed to enable Ayden to see me with out my hair. I’m unsure if he’s merely good at pretending, or if he actually did adapt to it with ease. He was so supportive. He would all the time inform me how stunning I’m. He instructed me that not one of the issues on the surface outlined me. He instructed me I used to be nonetheless his mother. Everything was the identical. I used to be nonetheless humorous and foolish and the mother he’d all the time been grateful to have. He actually mentioned these items to me. He has such an unbelievable coronary heart.
As brave as Ayden was on the floor, I do know he was terrified. I do know he’s nonetheless terrified. There’s a excessive probability of recurrence. My chemo simply ended on March 3rd, so I’m nonetheless very new to the after-care course of. Every blood check and PET scan I get, I think about I’ll be ready with bated breath. That query of “Will it come back?” is taking part in in my thoughts with an unpleasant vengeance. I’m doing my greatest to push by and discover some kind of normality once more, although.
Ayden doesn’t have one other dad or mum to lean on. I’m it. I’m the one dad or mum he has on this world. If God forbid, I expertise a recurrence, he’s… I’m not even going to complete that sentence, as a result of I refuse to permit that to occur to him. I will be okay. I will survive this. I will put this within the rear-view mirror and transfer ahead.
This is likely to be my first Mother’s Day as a girl impacted by the ugliness of breast most cancers, however this may also be my first Mother’s Day as a girl who has superbly overcome the chances.
I’m not only a solo mother. I’m a survivor.