Cocaine Bear Movie’s A Go… And Based On A True Story

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Everyone is aware of that “Snakes on a Plane” wasn’t actual, and that New Line Cinema took its finest line, Samuel L. Jackson’s immortal “I want these m*therfucking snakes off this m*therfucking plane!” from an web fan. But we all know there have been by no means any m*therfucking snakes on any m*therfucking planes.

Not so with “Cocaine Bear,” an Elizabeth Banks movie set for 2022 with Phil Lord and Chris Miller (they did “The Lego Movie,” so that is type of a flip for them. Of some type). Because there actually was a Cocaine Bear.

Cocaine Bear consumed round seventy kilos of candy white powder, give or take, from a drug drop gone incorrect someplace in Chattahoochee-Oconee National Forest in Georgia, says The Guardian (who want to rain on our parade and sure it’s very unhappy {that a} bear was harmed however stick with me folks). Which implies that after it snarfed 15 million {dollars} value of coke, it died of just about all the things without delay.

But within the moments till its dying, Cocaine Bear was presumably probably the most highly effective being on planet Earth. It had the energy of a bear with the energy of all bears. It turned a member of Mötley CrüeIt traveled throughout time, house, and species to change into one with Berlin-era David Bowie.

And now, Cocaine Bear will star in a “character-driven thriller inspired by true events that took place in Kentucky in 1985,” says Variety. We can solely think about (hope, pray) it attracts out the “bear with the strength of all bears becoming one with Berlin-era Bowie” a part of Cocaine Bear’s existence.

But wait: Kentucky? The drug drop befell in Georgia.

Buckle up, Buttercup, as a result of that is about to get bizarre.

Cocaine Bear Begins With An Entitled White Dude

Zdeněk Macháček/Unsplash

Cocaine Bear’s story begins with a presumable villain, who, like all good villains, shall be an entitled white dude. On September 9, 1985, Andrew Thornton II, who the Knoxville News Sentinel calls “a former Kentucky narcotics officer and lawyer turned big-time drug smuggler” was doing what drug smugglers do finest (or on this case, worst) with Bill Leonard, “his karate instructor turned bodyguard.”

They flew to Colombia. They picked up cocaine. They had been flying again to the United States, the place the plan, such because it was, appeared to go one thing like this: customary drug smuggling. Except the feds had been on their tail. The luggage of coke had parachutes in them, and so they started kicking them out of the airplane for retrieval later.

Finally, after placing their airplane on autopilot, each males jumped, hooked up to cocaine. Leonard’s parachute opened. Thornton’s didn’t. They discovered him useless in a yard in South Knoxville with money, evening imaginative and prescient goggles, pistols, and 35 kilos of Colombian coke strapped to his ass. He additionally, in accordance with Slate, carried a membership card to the Miami Jockey Club and IDs in a number of names.

So Where’s Cocaine Bear Again?

Okay, evil white males drug smuggling is… evil white males drug smuggling. Cocaine bear snorted up a few of that coke after considered one of their drug drops over the Georgia forest. Died. Very unhappy.

Then he lived on.

The Knoxville Sentinel News traces Cocaine Bear’s weird postmortem journey, as a result of some magnificent bastard had sufficient presence of thoughts to have him taxidermied. First, Cocaine Bear was placed on show on the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area in Georgia. According to The Independent, they put him in storage throughout a wildfire. Then, the Knoxville News Sentinel tells us, he was stolen, as a result of who doesn’t want Cocaine Bear as a centerpiece for his or her front room? You might string him up in Christmas lights and put him in a Santa hat!

Finally Cocaine Bear washed up in a Nashville pawn store, the place it was bought by Waylon Jennings, says The Independent. He probably didn’t deploy Christmas lights and a Santa hat, however he does have a set of preserved animals in Las Vegas, says The Knoxville Sentinel News. Eventually Waylon gifted it to a pal, who croaked, whose property was auctioned off, and Cocaine Bear went to reside in a Chinese Medicine store.

In the tip, attire firm Kentucky for Kentucky — whose mission, in accordance with their web site, is “to engage and inform the world by promoting Kentucky people, places, and products” — purchased Cocaine Bear and caught him on show at Kentucky Fun Mall in Lexington. You can go to him and purchase any assortment of Cocaine Bear associated merchandise.

Give Us The Movie Deets

We don’t have any.

They’re being tremendous cagey, and what we’ve mentioned is what we’ve acquired. The film may very well be about American drug smugglers with a facet of Cocaine Bear. It may very well be about hikers battling its predominant star, Cocaine Bear (please God be about hikers battling Cocaine Bear). This may very well be so dangerous it’s good, like “Hot Tub Time Machine,” or so dangerous it’s dangerous, like “Snakes on a Plane.” We don’t know if we should always count on “Sharknado” or “Cats.”

But two phrases: Cocaine. Bear.

You’d surrender a great two hours of your life, if it had been streaming and also you didn’t really feel like banging your partner, to observe a film known as “Cocaine Bear.”

And that’s what producers are banking on.

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