2020 is the year of a lot of things—a pandemic, murder hornets, our nation finally taking necessary action to protect and preserve Black lives, hopefully the end of the Trump presidency… and, maybe also… avocados? From our confessional, it looks that way at least. The millennials love ’em. Gen-Z too. Parents are giving them to their kids more and more as snacks. We’ve taken them on as the latest “healthy” food craze, right up there with alternate forms of nut butter (sun, almond, coco…), as well as all forms of kale, and of course, those mysterious acai berries.
But seriously, avocados are where it’s at. All the cool kids (and parents) are eating them. Even though they can be expensive AF and cause an actual shit-storm and turn our kids into pretentious foodies who won’t eat McDs anymore on a road trip, we love them anyway and are fully on board with the avocado trend. I mean, a fruit that gives us both guacamole and deliciously healthy toast? Hell yeah.
“I don’t believe in God, but I do believe that weed, avocados, and orgasms are proof that life on earth was meant to be enjoyed.”
“I fucking hate avocado.”
“Trying to eat better, less sugar, more veggie that sort of thing. I feel like I’ve just been eating nothing but salads and avocado toast. GIVE ME SOME CHOCOLATE DAMIT!”
There’s a love-hate relationship here. In that some hate them. And some love them. The rest like them fine, but also need some damn chocolate.
“My daughter wouldn’t stop crying at the grocery store so I gave her an avocado to play with. Before I knew it she had taken a HUGE bite from it. I made sure that no one was looking and put the avocado back.”
“Today I have eaten leftover avocado and mashed banana, half chewed baby rice cakes and the milk she was too tired to finish”
“I couldn’t remember the name for guacamole. Ordering a sandwich, and feeling like an idiot trying to remember “that stuff made with avocados.” My brain shut off at 2pm today.”
Avocados are part of some of our most classic “mommy” moments—from exhaustion and mom-brain, to sheer mortification, to the disastrous diet we live on. Avocados are part of it all.
“When I’m too tired to cook lunch or dinner I just give my toddler a whole avocado , she’s happy and I don’t have to do anything, win/win.”
“DD2 overslept A LOT on her nap, I didn’t have the heart to wake her. It’s 10 PM and she is still not in bed, munching on an avocado wedge. At least it’s a healthy snack…”
“I fed the baby an avocado for dinner…. Then put her in her bouncy seat and let the dog clean her off”
They make use feel better about parenting, which is always a win.
“My daughter watches a cartoon that depicts personified avocados. The male avocado is the half with the seed still in it, the female is the half with the indent. I keep expecting the two avocados to put themselves together to depict sex. Lol”
“I had a dream last night that I stuck an avocado pit in my vagina!”
“My nipples have avocado on them because my breast fed daughter started solids recently and I neglected to wipe her goopy little face before feeding her, yup I’m a total sexpot these days with guacamole flavored nipples”
And who knew they were so sexual? What multifaceted fruit these green ovals are.
“What I hate most about being broke is I can’t buy really good foods that I love but are expensive- fresh raspberries, blueberries and pineapple; avocados; walnuts, pistachios and macadamia nuts; gourmet cheeses, specialty and deli items. Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
“DS2 is such a little health food nut that he won’t eat anything processed. I have to locate restaurants in our small town that’ll serve him melon and/or avocado slices. Why won’t my child eat macaroni and cheese!?”
“My 4 yea old is an amazing eater, loves edamame, salmon, avocados, grilled meats, fresh veggies and fruit. It’s so expensive and time consuming to feed her, sometimes I wish she’d eat a friggin fish stick!”
However, they are pricey and can turn our kids into high-maintenance snobs who now turn their noses up at boxed mac and cheese. Get over yourself, Gretchen. Here’s a boiled hotdog.
“Youngest won’t sleep alone, so I co-sleep. Tonight, she rolled over right after I put her down and bazooka-barfed. Don’t have any clean sheets, so guess who gets to sleep in avocado vomit? Why, I think its me!”
“Confession to my son: I’m glad you liked the avocado, we’re going to be okay with this solids thing. But when you shit your pants it is no longer in any way ‘cute’.”
And, like all things parenthood, they make a mess. Which is worse—avocado vomit or avocado diarrhea?
Even if they make your kid shit their pants and cost the same as a small, non-vital organ, you know you’re still going to grab a few next time they’re on sale. And that you can’t wait to write down “ate avocado!” in their baby book. You know it too. Just embrace that you’re a 21st century parent and get on board the avocado train. The neighborhood moms won’t let you come to mommy and me yoga class until you do anyway.